Satirical Semite: 2022 Survival Guide

2022 promises to be a good year. For starters, there are going to be a lot of 2’s in it. February 2 will be 2222. On January 1 there were a lot of memes that said how horrible 2020 is but that 2021 would be better, although that is not the vision for 2020. Blockages continue, vaccination passports are becoming more common and countries are “red listed” at all times. Last week I invited some friends to a Shabbat dinner but everyone refused because they were afraid of catching Omicron when we were all vaccinated. Either that or they are anti-Semites, which is unlikely, but the same goes for Omicron’s death. If the New Year sounds worrisome to you, here’s a 2022 survival guide.

  1. Buy a 2022 calendar. There will be a lot of 2 on it. A big number 2 is a good number to describe what to expect. Alternatively, since people are encouraged to work from home and many schools are closing their doors so parents can juggle work and child care, you can just get a sharpie and draw lines on the wall to mark your days of incarceration.
  2. Cancel someone. It’s a fun activity for the whole family. Last year my local synagogue canceled me, although we’ll save this story for another time. You can cancel anyone for something they said or did at any time in the past. If you get stuck then watch “Minority Report” where people are incarcerated for crimes they haven’t yet committed, and cancel a family member for something they might do in the future. You are doing a public service and they will thank you for saving them from themselves, not that you hear them since they have been silenced.
  3. Buy a photo of Greta Thunberg. If you want to show the greatest possible respect to the Swedish climate activist who took on the United Nations at the age of 16, then you can get an entire roll of 222 portraits of Greta Thunberg with her face imprinted on a biodegradable extra-soft double ply. paper, with easy-to-tear perforations between each image.
  4. Don’t watch documentaries like “Climate Hustle” because they wonder if global warming is going to ruin the earth and we will all die in 30 years. He has the temerity to cite several other times when the earth warmed, such as the “Hot Roman period“from 250 BCE to 400 BCE, or the” Medieval Hot Period “of 950 BCE-1250 BCE. regional cooling known as the “Little Ice Ages” that occurred in 1650, 1770 and 1850. As we must reduce consumption, emissions, destroy rainforests and poison the oceans, what possible hope for the future will we have if we suddenly believe that the world is not going to end, just like it did not end in 2012 or on all the other occasions it did not end?
  5. Get out your “I’m with her” t-shirt. President Biden has repeatedly referred to “President Harris” and said he would only run for president if his health continued. Jewish tradition teaches us to “pray for the welfare of the government” (Fathers Ethics 3: 2), and now will be a good time to pray regularly. Kamala certainly is.
  6. Join Pico Robertson Health and Safety Coalition (https://actionnetwork.org/groups/pico-robertson-health-safety). This one is serious. Shortly after Chanukah there was an oil spill at the site completely sure nothing to worry about drilling station located in the heart of the very Jewish Pico-Robertson district. PCEC, the oil company that owns the controversial site between Doheny Drive and Oakhurst Drive in West Los Angeles, has filed a “Hazardous Material Spill Report ”with the California State Office of Emergency Services. They reassured us that this was just an internal leaking pipeline with hazardous toxic material[ing] from basement to asphalt. Phew. It must be true then.

The absolutely harmless suburban oil spill was a post-Hanukkah miracle! Such miracles that we can do without. I wish you a free, fulfilling and miraculous year 2022.


Marcus J Released is an actor, writer and marketing consultant. www.marcusjfreed.com and on social media @marcusjfreed.

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